Scared to Climb Higher

I feel pretty comfortable right where I am, despite all the chaos and the fact that I'm doing nothing with my life. I look back at my past and everything that I'm above and I don't get that fear of falling. But when I look up, I see that ceiling 80, 90 years away, and I'm horrified. I look at the next hold, starting a job, starting off college, my next relationship, and holy shit am I ever scared. I could lean back and let the ropes catch me and scream "falling" at my belayer until they gave in or got tired of being my personal hammock if only I were climbing. Here in the real world, the belayer doesn't give in, "falling" has consequences and the, in the end, you're always expected to look up, keep reaching for that next hold. I don't know why I'm climbing, I don't like climbing. I just want to nestle into my harness, kick up my legs and do nothing, 18 years above my birth. Maybe I'll keep on writing, maybe I'll just learn...